Who Am I?

I'm the girl who's there for all the breakdowns.

I'm the girl who gets yelled at on my own and everyone else's behalf.

I'm the girl they unload everything on.

I'm the girl who gets blamed for everything.

I'm the girl who gets pushed further and further down each day.

I'm just so tired of being the person everyone dumps their shit on! I really don't know how much more I can take. My mom just had another breakdown, and she started crying. She yelled at me, for not doing enough in the house, she yelled at me because my sister don't do enough in the house, and she yelled at me because my sister never cleans up any of the mess she creates in the kitchen and living room. She yelled at me because my sisters hardly visits our grandmother, she yelled at me for the washingmachine being broken for the last week, she yelled at me for not being a mindreader who knows what she want's each second of the day, and she yelled at me because she has to ask everyone to do things for her. I know she can't do everything alone because of her heart, but why does she think I can do everything? Why does everyone think I can do everything? Everything that is work and boring.

On the other side you have the mother who told her daughter that she couldn't start playing an instrument at the age 13. I was too old, she said. She has compared me to the drug addicts in our family, she has made it clear that she doesn't think I'll grow up to be anything, and still she expect me to have superpowers. I'm just so sick of everything!

I have the house, everyones feelings, school, exams, gifts, keeping contact with everyone, doing things for everyone, helping, finding a job, money problems, keeping healthy, not getting depressed and so much more to think about. I'm so tired. And sad.

I want to leave. I want to go somewhere nobody knows me. Start over again. I can't do this anymore! No matter how hard I try it's never good enough. I'm never good enough! I don't visit people enough, I don't work hard enough at school, I don't work hard enough at home, and I don't even have a job.

I think I'm going crazy. That would be a relief actually, because then nobody would rely on me to do everything. Anything. I could just walk around in the room with the soft walls and not worry about a thing. Everyone would walk on eggshells around me for a change.

I'm just so tired of crying alone in my room. I'm tired of being looked upon as lazy when the only thing I think about is how to make the world better for people.

I'm just tired.